While it is often impossible to accomplish much in Washington, some members of the Senate make accomplishing nothing at all a proud art form.

That observation bounced around Jackson Piper’s head as he sat silently in Russell Senate Building Room 253. For more than twenty minutes, Senator Paul Drummond had drifted into a sililoquy about the price of cheese. Surveying his colleagues around the front of the room, it appeared that most of the Senators in attendance had drifted off to sleep.

Could he blame them? At least half of Jackson’s colleagues in the U.S. Senate were north of seventy years old. Most of them had spent the morning since sunrise raising money around Washington. Most were approaching the hour of their routine late morning nap.

After all, this hearing was theater. Jackson had to remind himself of that. It was the obligatory photo op before a third of the Senate returned home to their states to campaign in the home stretch of the election. Jackson looked at each of them and silently wondered how many would not return in January.

Jackson discreetly reached for his tablet and tapped the glass. He swiped left until he reached the tile for his favorite underground news publication, The Stalwart, and opened it.

Unvarnished truth, read its masthead proudly.

Of course, he read the Times and the Post, but The Stalwart was fresh, insightful, and independent. Its agenda was an accurate telling of the news.

On this sleepy Tuesday in September, the headlines told the tale:

Election 2038 Shaping up to Deliver Largest Congressional Freshman Class in Generations

And another.

Meriwether Lays Out Agenda for Another Term as Senate Leader

And another.

Who Has the Chops to Seize the Old Party Reigns?

More scrolling.

Russell Warner Spotted in New Hampshire

Keep scrolling.

Retired Economist Herbert Wright Predicts a Perfect Storm That Could Send U.S. into Financial Collapse by 2040

Jackson stopped scrolling for a moment. That sounds horrifying, Jackson thought. But it was not the kind of reading he could accomplish when he was already on the edge of dozing off.

Jackson looked up at Paul Drummond. The man’s voice was like a secret cure to insomnia.

Piper looked down again at the tablet and bookmarked the story for later.

“…And that is what I cannot in good conscience support this bill. It does terrible harm to the people of Wisconsin who work too hard for too little already,” Senator Drummond said, raising a thin pale finger towards the heavens.

He must be getting near the end of this lecture, Piper thought. He tried to focus. A member of the Old Party would be called on by the chairman next, and then time would return to Piper’s Party, and it would be his turn to speak on the matter. It was time to collect his thoughts.

“The chair recognizes the gentleman of North Dakota,” Chairman silenced his microphone and then leaned towards a committee staffer and whispered, “Could someone please get me a latte before I slip into a coma?”

The aide nodded dutifully and disappeared out of the hearing room, no doubt dashing down the hall full speed to fulfill his powerful boss’s wishes.

Jackson’s phone vibrated in his pocket. He subtly reached for it. It was a text from his Chief of Staff, Ronald Bender.

Ron

I’m running late

Jackson

Oh?

Ron

Unexpected meeting popped up. Old friend in from overseas. Has a gift for me

Jackson

What’s her name?

Ron

Not like that. Get serious, Jack. Pay attention in that hearing

Jackson

This Ag hearing? With the debate over cheese?

Ron

The bill is about food prices, jack. Don’t play small ball like those silly old farts in our party

It was just three minutes into the Senator from North Dakota’s story about Margaret Applebaum and her prize-winning pie at this year’s state fair that chaos erupted into the hearing room.

It was not in the form of protestors or disunionists or armed assailants. No, the chaos on this dreary Tuesday came in the form of none other than Senator Russell Warner of Nevada.

“Mr. Chairman. Mr. Chairman!” barked Senator Warner, seeking recognition.

The North Dakota Senator was so startled by the outburst that his jaw appeared to seize up like a forgotten tractor in a cornfield.

“The member will suspend,” the Chairman growled. “Mr. Warner, to what point do you rise? You’re interrupting your own member’s time, I might add.”

“I can see that, John,” Senator Warner said with a grin. “Might I suggest that the honorable Senator seek unanimous consent to revise and extend his remarks?”

“For what reason?” the chairman asked.

Jackson Piper was annoyed and did nothing to mask it. Warner’s disregard for decorum made his blood boil.

“Don’t clutch your pearls, Piper. I see you over there scrolling your feed,” Senator Warner said.

Jackson’s blood boiled, rising in all parts of his body and causing his face to grow red.

“Mr. Chairman, this is not regular order,” Jackson said.

“Oh, come off it, Jack. You’re just as eager to get out of here and go churn the butter of that smoking hot wife of yours,” Warner said, allowing all of his white teeth to flash in a brazen Cheshire grin.

The chairman smashed the gavel loudly on the heavy wooden desk.

Jackson was mortified, especially because this hearing was being televised.

“The rules are there for a reason, Russ,” Jackson said. “You might think of your service as a joke…hell, we all might view your approach to legislating as a joke, but most of us came here to do a job.”

Warner leaned over to a young male committee staffer and said something lewd, looking in Piper’s direction. The remark made the young man laugh and then turn bright red when he met eyes with Jackson.

“You all can sit here and continue this circle jerk, listening to Paul Drummond’s absolutely awful sermons about milk and cheese, but me? I’m outta here.” Warner said.

A sea of committee staff parted as he stood from his seat.

“I have more important things to do with my time,” Russell said, making a show of his departure.

Senator Diesel Browning of Ohio leaned over to Jackson and said in a whisper, “What’s up his ass?”

“The usual,” Jackson whispered back. “This is their new game. Violent disruption and disunion to make headlines. It’s a pissing match.”

Warner was nearing the doors when he turned and stared at his colleagues on the Old Party side of the hearing room. “And if you men have any balls left in your pants, you’ll leave with me.”

There was a beat or two before Senator Abbott stood from his large leather chair, then two more Senators followed closely behind.

Jackson’s friend, the Senator from New Mexico, Art Huerta, and Chairman of the Committee, attempted to return to business. “It appears the gentleman from North Dakota has the floor?”

The Senator looked around cautiously as the rest of his flock made for the doors. “I…um…I ask for unanimous consent to extend and revise my remarks in the official record of the committee.”

“Any objection?” Senator Huerta asked.

More Old Party members made for the doors.

“Hearing none, the request is granted,” Huerta said.

“They are leaving over a cheese bill? Because Senator Warner was bored?” Senator Browning asked.

“Something else is going on,” Senator Piper said. “Nothing in this town is as it appears on the surface, Diesel. You know that.”

* * *

Shoes clicked loudly on the marbled floors of the Russell Senate Office Building as a flock of Old Party Senators marched down the hallway with Senator Russell Warner leading the way. Senator Abbott caught up to Senator Warner before they reached the members-only elevators.

“What was that about, Russ?” Senator Abbott asked.

“I have six tech executives waiting for all of us at the Capitol Hill Club right now,” Senator Warner said, entering the elevator.

Senator Abbott smiled. “Do they come bearing gifts?”

Senator Warner punched the ground floor button, then smiled as he placed his arm around his older colleague. “If you consider checks with six figures and ladies that will go all night long gifts, David, then it’s fucking Christmas morning.”